Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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