the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
