she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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