I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
