clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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