I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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