Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
