Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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