someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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