but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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