My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Even my vagina gasped.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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