There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
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The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.