Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
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Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10