Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.