Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
