Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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