My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
