So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
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This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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