guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
