just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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