I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
