you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
