If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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