if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
