i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just gift wrapped bread.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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