Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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