Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
