if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish they made helmets for livers.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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