if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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