When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.