last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.