I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
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No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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