I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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