Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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