Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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