Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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