Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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