you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
