Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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