someone threw a dead crab at me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
