Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
