Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
