i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
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How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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