Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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