I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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