her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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