It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
