omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
