If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
then he tried to convert me to islam
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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