Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
