I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize