you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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