I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
