Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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