My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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