your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
