He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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