i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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