Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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