So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
